So I've been feeling challenged to share this for awhile, but have been hesitant the sake of being vulnerable... I hope that this encourages someone! Please excuse the length of it. Writing tends to be where I flow better. Skim if you'd like! I'm trusting Jesus will emphasise what He wants to emphasise. The last half is the most important!
Over the past two years I've started to struggle more with health symptoms such as intense fatigue, digestive issues, dizziness/vertigo, nausea, increased sensitivities to sound, light, chemicals, carpets, mold; anxiety, random pain in different parts of my body, arms going tingly/numb, trouble sleeping, trouble concentrating, trouble with comprehension, forgetting what I'm talking about in the middle of a sentence (or before I start the sentence), forgetting what I'm doing, getting confused, and getting more frustrated than normal, quicker than normal with people or circumstances, even myself.
I'm already looking at this list and wanting to say it's not as bad as it seems! To make myself look better. Yep. Still got some of that "what will people think" going on!
So, these symptoms started affecting my life in increasing ways.
In guitar class last semester, I found that while I had grown up used to being the star music pupil always, this was no longer the case. I didn't have the energy to practice the 8-10 hours a week I was supposed to. I found myself in class, listening to the teacher and being so slow that I couldn't keep up. I would try to play something and freeze in the middle of it, my fingers feeling clumsy and thick and my brain confused. I felt like I had a learning/mental disorder! I felt embarrassed and humbled, and wanted to defend myself and say that really I was better than that. Yet I found myself comforted in the fact that if I ever adopted children with those kinds of special needs, I would be able to understand them more :)
I had been a worship leader for 3 semesters in a row in student worship teams. The first semester in August 2013 was the best! I had so much fun interacting with my team, challenging ourselves with things like fun jazz chord progressions, and getting us to sing a whole worship song in a tribal language of Mozambique, complete with a different style of music :D We dove into the word together, interceded together, encountered God together and for me it was a breakthrough as I had run away from worship leading and struggled with the idea of it for a long time before. My second semester was equally as good but challenging as I didn't have an associate leader to share the load with. I would find that I would finish some sets exhausted and needing to sit still for awhile to recover. I was also not able to stand as much in singing lessons and had random pain that hurt more from exerting myself singing. I remember talking to the Lord about it and wondering if I had some horrible illness... (He said, "You are Mine and you'll be fine." :D I haven't always held on to that but thankfully He's with us through our ups, downs and forgetfulness of His words!)
The third semester worship leading was the hardest as all my symptoms were worse. I wanted to quit worship leading but was encouraged to stay by my supervisor. They gave me leniency in going home early from sets. I sat most sets (you always sing better standing), found it hard to pastorally care for my team and harder to get along with different personalities. Even some people's voices were of the timbre that just vibrated wrong and caused me to stress/have slight pain/want to run away or punch people in the face (anxiety and stress hormones are weird things). Again I felt stressed out about my reputation before people - thinking of how I would become known as the one who was snappy, grumpy, and not gracious towards others. I knew that I couldn't worship lead the next semester, even though I wanted to.
The last year I've been a singer on teams, and even that has been hard to sustain. I have not been practicing (don't tell!), because it uses up too much energy and that can cause me to crash/symptoms to flare up. I've had to cross my legs/lean back into my seat/cross my arms and hold the mic in order to be able to stay sitting up. I have felt like a bad student or someone who doesn't know anything about singing. I've been mostly singing in the third singer position (we only have 3 singers) which in the past has been fine with me! Yet besides the normal singer accusations we struggle with like "my voice is bad", "I have nothing to add", I've felt my pride in my reputation again be brought to the surface.
Two of the main callings I've heard from the Lord have been: "Release the prophetic sound over nations" and "Will you carry the spirit of adoption to the nations?".
"How can I do what I'm called to do, what I'm MADE for while I'm sick like this?" I found myself thinking, again and again. "I can't worship lead. I can hardly even go to church or the prayer room because the bass, the noise level and the amount of people overwhelm me". I would find myself looking frequently toward the door in classes because the voice of the teacher was louder than I could handle. I would go to church and find myself falling asleep sitting up while Ryan Kondo was leading songs with awesome dance beats (i.e., songs you would normally find impossible to fall asleep in unless you were a 2yr old). I would sit there almost in the front row and Fall Asleep. As time went by it changed to heart racing, panic, needing to leave the building and go home. I felt so bad for leaving early because I've always been the type of person that has to get places on time or early, and who has to stay until the time we're expected to stay. Integrity is one of the things I've prayed about and sought after. A few times I tried to stay in church longer, to honour whoever was speaking and to honour what I had signed up for. I remember staying through worship once, and into the preaching. I suddenly started sobbing. Loudly and uncontrollably and almost hyperventilating at the same time because my body couldn't take the noises and vibrations anymore. A friend had to lead me out the building and drive me home.
I couldn't serve in any way at school. I couldn't commit to anything socially because even just 5-10 minutes of talking to someone would exhaust me. I couldn't commit. I couldn't get assignments in on time. I felt like people didn't believe me that I was sick because I didn't "look" sick, most of the time. I mean you know, the stuffy nose, funny face, funny voice kind of sick. I didn't get that. It was all the other symptoms I had which when I went to get tested at the doctors, all the results came out normal. Lots of blood tests, heart tests, ultrasounds, even a fun CT scan!
And OH my reputation! What did I look like? I thought. They'll think I'm crazy! They'll think I'm trying to get out of everything! They'll think I'm not reliable! They don't believe me. They think I'm lying. Am I lying? Am I making this up?
I couldn't travel at all because it would make me sicker. I couldn't worship lead. I hardly had energy to play piano or guitar. I had to stop serving at kids church check in on Sundays. I knew that there would be no way that I would be able to look after a child. What if I ended up sick my whole life? I could never adopt. Never even marry because I had to move out from my roommate situation and live alone so that I would actually be able to sleep (sensitive to all sounds and lights...). What would my purpose be?
I had been looking forward for a while to the externships that all students in my major are required to do in order to graduate. I was hoping to go to Brazil, Amsterdam or possibly Eurasia for a semester to serve in a house of prayer there and take IHOPU classes online at the same time. I was so excited to possibly have the chance to use my Portuguese or beginnings of Eurasian language learning to serve another nation! However being sick cut out those options.
I was so excited then when I found out that the Orphan Justice Center was running an externship that Summer. As an international student a domestic externship in the Summer was the only option available to me, and OJC was originally not going to be doing that. If you read a couple years back in this blog, my heart was wrecked by Jesus for the American orphan while in Mozambique and I had been wanting to volunteer with OJC since 2013, but felt like Jesus didn't want me to put extra things on my schedule. So getting to do this externship was actually SUCH a great alternative to going overseas!
Leading up to the externship, I was so worried thinking I would have to quit before it began, because I felt like I wouldn't be able to fulfil the requirements. I remember emailing the externship co-ordinator, then talking to her on orientation day about it. Then God encountered me during orientation even though it was just sitting around a table and talking about schedule, expectations and logistics! So I went ahead with the externship, expecting that I'd have to quit in the first week. Wednesday of that week was our first "Malachi 4:6" set where we have a prayer meeting which is designed to be family friendly - specifically accommodating for adoptive and special needs kids to be able to connect with God and take part in the prayer meeting. We were told to just enjoy the set and connect with God ourselves, because it was our first time and we didn't know all the kids yet. God encountered me again as we sang about Him being a good Father and how He wanted to heal, that nothing was impossible for Him!... yet I still found myself crying from the vibrations and noises by the time half an hour had passed. At the end of the set a couple of interns and others gathered around to pray for me as I shared what was going on and my fear that I wouldn't be able to continue.
God ended up giving me SO much grace during externship! I was able to do more than I should have been able to with the kids. I had grace from leaders to take it easy when I needed to. The OJC family came around me constantly in prayer, speaking truth into my life and reminding me to sit down when I would have ended up pushing myself in order to prove my worth (Heidi Baker: "When you're tired, sit down!" sorry random bunny trail). I had never experienced anything like that where my worth was being consistently validated NOT because of what I did (mainly never experienced it because I had always had the ability to "do")! I found that I was able to do most service hours even though sometimes all I did was sit there - and love on kids even though I would end up sleeping most of the day in between :)
I learned how much of my identity had actually been in my ability to serve; to "do" ministry; to be there for others. Yet when all my own strength was taken away, I was shown by the body that I was loved, accepted, and taken care of. I got 3 of my wisdom teeth taken out halfway through externship and was SO taken care of by the team!
How about you? If your ability to do the ministry you've been used to, to do the job you've been used to, to take care of your kids (believing this doesn't happen), gets completely taken away, will you feel like you are worth something to God? To people?
I guess I have had the privilege of finding this out.
I wrote this in the first few weeks of externship:
"It's so easy for us to find our identity in what we do, not who we are. Also there is sometimes no way to tell that that is where our identity has accidentally found itself until our physical ability to "serve" and "do" is taken away. It is hard for me to not be able to DO more and SERVE more and do what the Lord has gifted me to do - But He is just so proud of me even when I can't do anything! He says "well done", and He says that I am not a burden..."
I'm still on the path to full healing, and I still sometimes struggle with accusation and am fighting for truth. But I have been set in a family and am already so much better than I was earlier. I am thankful that Jesus has used this to teach me more about my identity, and is still teaching me! I hope this has encouraged someone today! And I so appreciate your prayers, whenever Jesus prompts you :)
PS I am taking lots of vitamin C, B-complex, other great supplements, am resting a lot more, go out in the fresh air every day (I have a dog and she's great therapy), and have cut out most grains, all sugar and all dairy except good quality butter... just for those out there who will want to help me by suggesting things :) I think I'm on a good path right now. :)
Might upload more from my externship in the next weeks!
